There’s a common perception that therapy is a self-indulgent exercise—a place where people go to talk about themselves, dwell on their stress, and wallow in their emotions.
Some believe it’s a luxury, an unnecessary expense, or even a waste of time. But what if therapy isn’t just about you? What if working on yourself is actually a responsibility, not just a personal indulgence?
The Myth of Self-Improvement as Selfishness
We tend to admire people who work hard on external goals—whether it's their careers, fitness, or education. Nobody looks at someone training for a marathon and says, “Wow, how selfish.” But when it comes to emotional and psychological growth, the narrative shifts. Suddenly, prioritizing therapy, setting boundaries, or learning to regulate emotions is seen as self-centered.
But here’s the thing: you don’t exist in a vacuum. Your moods, reactions, and behaviors affect the people around you. If you’re exhausted and short-tempered, your frustration doesn’t just stay in your head—it spills over into how you speak to your partner, your kids, your colleagues, and even the stranger who took too long at the checkout. If you have unresolved insecurities, they shape your relationships, the way you parent, the way you handle stress, and even the way you love.
Your Strengths and Flaws Impact Others
Alain de Botton, a modern philosopher and writer, speaks often about the importance of emotional self-awareness. He suggests that we all carry baggage—unexamined fears, habits, and patterns that shape how we interact with the world. Some of these patterns serve us well, but others? Not so much.
For example, if you withdraw when you’re stressed, leaving your loved ones feeling ignored or confused, that’s not just your issue—it shapes their experience of you. If you have difficulty trusting people because of past hurt, that skepticism doesn’t just stay inside your head; it affects your relationships, your ability to be vulnerable, and the emotional climate you create for others.
When insecurities dictate how you engage with others, they can subtly erode closeness, making relationships feel less secure and fulfilling. Over time, this distance affects both people, leaving them slightly more dissatisfied, even if they can’t pinpoint why.
In other words, self-awareness and self-regulation aren’t just personal growth exercises—they're responsibilities.
Therapy as Emotional Hygiene
Think about therapy like emotional hygiene. You wouldn’t go weeks without showering and expect people to just deal with the smell. The same principle applies to your emotional well-being.
Therapy helps you clear out psychological build-up—the resentment, the insecurities, the unprocessed grief, and the unhealthy patterns—so they don’t unconsciously shape your interactions with others.
Just as we expect people to take care of their physical health so they don’t become a burden, we should also recognize the value of emotional health. Therapy isn’t just about feeling better for yourself—it’s about being better for the people around you. It equips you with the tools to break destructive cycles, communicate effectively, and engage in relationships with greater self-awareness.
The Ripple Effect of Self-Work
When you work on yourself, you change the way you move through the world. You communicate more clearly. You regulate your emotions more effectively. You take responsibility for your actions instead of blaming or resenting others. And that has a profound ripple effect on your relationships, your workplace, your friendships, and even your community.
Yes, therapy involves talking about yourself—but not in a self-absorbed way. It’s about understanding why you are the way you are, how you interact with the world, and what you can do to grow into the best version of yourself.
So, is therapy selfish? If anything, not working on yourself might be the selfish choice. Because whether we like it or not, our unexamined flaws and unresolved issues don’t just affect us—they affect everyone around us. And choosing to address them isn’t just an act of self-care; it’s an act of responsibility.
***** Here is a link to a video by Alain de Botton if you're interested in learning more.
Absolutely love this!